Ignorance is no defense in court and it isn’t with your children.
Lately I’ve seen a ton of support groups popping up for parents who are estranged from their loved ones, usually its their kids and grandkids. Some estrangements are unsubstantiated and out of nowhere; they must be excruciatingly painful. In some cases, an ex-spouse or family member will have tainted your child’s view of you and that truly sucks. These situations are terrible.
I’m all for people supporting one another through life, especially through family turmoil. Parenting is hard as shit, and family dynamics complicate matters. Networks like this are incredibly valuable. I’m willing to concede that there are cases where the estranged parent might not have done anything wrong, but I really believe these cases are the exception and not the rule. I make the claim as a parent myself and as a child of people who think they did nothing wrong, which brings me to my main point.
The basis upon which these groups are formed is highly problematic. The vast majority of people in these estrangement groups have wronged their children, whether deliberately or not, and they refuse to own it. Reading through many threads, the themes are common and tactics are much the same. Even the smallest issue, when denied or ignored, can snowball into a colossal problem. These people have galvanized themselves by joining a group and continue to reinforce principles and ideals from yesteryear that are detrimental to individual and family wellbeing. I am so tired of hearing, “I don’t know what I did wrong.”
Before you come at my throat, let me explain my logic.
Children can, and do, come into this world under less than ideal circumstances, and they have for millennia. In modern times it’s usually due to poverty, being unplanned, very young parents, illnesses, and the list continues. When babies arrive, they assume a role of complete dependency regardless of their environment. Immediately. It’s sort of built into our evolution and DNA as humans. If you believe in a monotheistic deity (and many others), it’s the God-given role we all assume day one. Children are hardwired to cling to their parental counterpart(s). Littles rely upon bigs for all of life’s necessities and direction. Food, clothing, shelter, you name it. The caregiving adult, or parent, takes an authoritative role, whether they like it or not. The power structure of this dyad is undeniable. And it is locked in at birth.
Children enter the world lacking any ability, knowledge, or possessions. Through growth and development, they morph into little people and eventually into adults. Along the way, they learn important life lessons, fail a few times, learn to cook a grilled cheese, lose some teeth, experience their first crush, and hopefully pass chemistry. They take cues about right and wrong from their adults, depend on them for support and nurturing during rough times, and instinctively seek approval and praise when they experience success. Children are never told to look to their parents; we just do it. Instinct. This phenomenon is even apparent in horribly abused children; they know their parent is mean and hurtful, yet they still crave approval. While the child’s world is ever-changing, one thing remains constant: they are the responsibility of their adult counterpart(s). Legally, ethically, morally, religiously, and otherwise.
Everything an adult does will leave a lasting imprint on that child. No matter how big or how small. Yes, the toilet paper goes over the top of the roller because Pearl taught me that’s how it is done; she never told me to do this, I saw her do it. And, after nearly 5 decades of life, I still follow her lead, crazy though it may be. Children actively and passively learn how to be adults from the people in their midst, but, even as they age, the basis of the relationship remains constant. The parent-child dynamic never goes away. I will always be Pearl and Mick’s child, and nothing will ever change that fact. Not age, not time. Nothing.
Adults also grow and develop along the way. There is no rule book for parenting, and each child is different. It’s the real-life equivalent of a high-stakes football game where every play is a forced Hail Mary pass. And, if you have more than one child, you are playing totally different games simultaneously. Often times, I have no idea what I’m doing. Nuances matter, tempers flare, and tears flow…from the adults and the littles in my home. The thing is, parents aren’t perfect. Any ideas or presuppositions that they are is crap. I didn’t instantly became correct on all matters of life upon becoming a parent. Sometimes I parent minute-by-minute, making the best decisions I can in the moment. Other times, I am granted the benefit of time to make decisions.
On more occasions than I care to admit, my decisions have been wrong, some bearing little consequence and others not so much. Other times I nail it. I do not deliberately mean to hurt my children or wrong them, but I do. Life is messy, parenting is messier. And while the impact of my parenting choices might not be felt immediately, they exist nonetheless. Motive matters a little, but it doesn’t mitigate the outcome of what I did. I might have had great intentions with a less-than-acceptable impact. Parents of a certain generation and/or mindset seem completely oblivious, recalcitrant, or just plain stupid to this notion. Willful and deliberate idiots. There, I said it.
I may not have meant to back into someone with my shopping cart at Target, but I still apologize. Why are parental actions with their children any different? I didn’t intend to spill my boss’s coffee all over her desk, but I did. And I apologize. Why? Because it’s the right thing to do, I am a decent human being. As a society, we apologize to people that are inconsequential in our lives (see Target comment above) for far smaller indiscretions. Why don’t we do this with our children? Families and households are not totalitarian political regimes that are unrelenting, unforgiving, and untenable. At least they shouldn’t be. A home is a living entity that takes on the life of its inhabitants. Nurture it and watch it blossom. Ignore it and watch it shrivel.
And here’s where certain parents don’t get it. Parental shortcomings or mistakes might have been discreet, inadvertent, unintentional, or sporadic but that doesn’t mean their impact was insignificant to their child. I have a friend whose mother is great by all practical measure. She’s fun, dedicated, a fierce advocate for her children, principled, faithful, shows up, and ethical…among a gazillion other things. My friend loves her mother fiercely; they are close. But, on every shopping trip growing up, the mom always took note of how clothing fit around my friend’s thighs. She never commented on tight tops, waists being too snug, lengths being too short, or sleeves too high. Always the thighs.
Was my friend’s mom trying to be an asshole? I really don’t think so. I don’t think she was abusive, neglectful, dismissive, or nit-picky. She just happened to always note that her daughter’s pants were snug; my friend was an athlete and had very well-defined glutes and thigh muscles. The mom simply wanted to go grab a different size off the sale rack. Her motives were pure, but their impact was horrible. The result? An eating disorder rooted in body dysmorphia. Over time, those comments gained significant traction and dug a hole in my friend’s head, nesting themselves permanently in her mind and shaping her world.
Here’s the most important thing: once my friend’s mother discovered the issue, she fell on the sword, hard. Apologized profusely. They worked through therapy together. Mom helped her daughter find her self esteem. Most significantly, mom learned new ways of communicating and changed habits that hurt her daughter. She could never erase the damage she had done, but she acknowledged it. Took ownership of her words, actions, and their impact. Mom worked to be and do better. My friend carries this with her everyday, but her relationship with her mother is in tact. Sure, they have mother-daughter disagreements over trivial things, but they are a family unit. Had my friend’s mother denied her role in this situation, regardless of how inadvertent, I can assure you that their relationship would have suffered. Quite significantly.
Child psychology emerged sometime around the 1900s and the American Academy of Child Psychology didn’t codify until 1953. A whole body of knowledge about children’s brains, their development, parent-child relationships, and their impact on offspring didn’t emerge until much later. Research and scientific knowledge take time. Nobody willingly spoke of therapy until well into the 1990s, and even then it was considered taboo. ADHD and psychoeducational diagnoses weren’t acknowledged until later. Childhood depression, anxiety, and other maladies are still coming to the forefront. But, even today, these topics are still shunned, seen as shameful, and certain aged groups outright deny them.
The people denying advancements in child psychology, psychiatry, and family therapy are largely similar in age, grouping together as baby boomers, some being generation X. These advancements include things like boundaries, the recognition of certain mood and developmental disorders, pathologies, and more. While I hate sweeping generalizations, the people that show reluctance to a more enlightened and informed approach to parenting and family dynamics straddle the time period of knowledge acquisition. These people were brought up during a time when, “we didn’t know any better” to now, where we know better and are expected to do better. Many are exploiting the idea that they didn’t know any better at the time they were screwing up their kids and that somehow grants them a pass.
But, the delay in a better and formalized understanding of how children work, what leaves lasting imprints upon them, and how their brains develop, and what ruins parental-child relationships does not relieve any caregiving parent of their obligation to do the right thing in the moment. Even without formalized knowledge. Think about these things:
- Many knew hitting or spanking their child made them cry, but did it anyway.
- Many knew their kids were scared of the dark, but still forced them to go to sleep alone.
- Many knew their child lacked self confidence but continued the constant nagging and criticism.
- Many knew their kids hated [insert unpalatable food here], but force fed it.
- Many knew their children were full, but forced them clean their plates.
- Many knew there were other problems because their child vocalized them, yet parents disregarded them.
Basically, the idea of parenting was to make children cry, induce fear, deride them, forever alter their relationship with food, and chide them for elevating any concern. Negative emotions associated with every instance I mentioned and yet parents thought they’d learn under these conditions. I’m sorry, you don’t need some pedigreed child psychologist around to point out the issues with your approach. Open your damn eyes.
If you think or thought this way, you are the problem. Here’s why:
- You wonder why your children don’t trust you implicitly. Crying and pain are innate indicators that something is wrong and needs attention. Crying is a means of communication for babies and a message indicating strong emotions for growing children and kids. Nobody teaches newborns to cry; they just do it. Likewise, children aren’t taught to connect strong emotions with crying, it happens automatically. Yet many of you chose hitting and spanking as a means of discipline. That might have something to do with why your children don’t trust you. You denied one of their most primal emotions and modes of communication.
- You are perplexed about why they constantly sought, and likely still seek, the presence of other people. Fear is natural and responsible for the preservation of the human species, and their little brains didn’t understand any of it. Forcing them to be alone in the dark is a likely culprit.
- It bothers you that they rarely seek your advice. Have you ever been constantly told what to do, when, how, and why? When you try, you are told how wrong the choice was? It sucks, and yet you nagged them incessantly.
- You notice constant struggles with weight or physical wellness issues. Healthy eating and exercise habits usually start in childhood. Their struggle didn’t mysteriously appear after moving out of your home. They originated when you force fed them, facilitated an unhealthy relationship with food, rewarded or punished them with food, and more.
Then, you have the audacity to be offended when your children give you a list of rules to follow when they bring the grandkids over. Stop using the excuse that you didn’t know better. Yes you did, your child was sending up all the red flags and warning signs, and you chose to ignore them. The fact that you didn’t have societal reinforcement for how you should have parented still doesn’t relieve you of the obligation to own your actions today. Guess what, you know now. So, why are you still denying the impact of your actions?
When I became a mother for the first time, I instinctively knew my son. I relied on my gut. If something felt wrong, it generally was. And I would never go against that gut instinct to protect, nurture, and love my child. When he cried, I sought to find out why. When he squirmed in uncomfort, I sought to find out why. I was never told these things…I just did them. If you went against the instinct, you are the problem. If you didn’t have the instinct, you are the problem. I’m basically here to tell you that your child never was, and never will be, part of the problems that stem from your ignorance, inadequacy, backwards ideals, lack of insight, or stubbornness.
Science always follows phenomena. A few people see lights shooting through the skies and then a group of people deliberately look upward to study them. The thing is, your kids were the stars shooting across the sky, sending messages to you that what you were doing wasn’t right or good. The crying should have told you. The constant pleas of, “mommy, I’m full” should have told you. I could go on, but what’s the point? Nevertheless, science has now told you what was already, or should have been, in your gut. Many parenting tactics of yesteryear are strongly associated with negative outcomes today.
It is not a coincidence that an entire generation of kids are trying to heal from childhood maltreatment, neglect, or abuse while simultaneously trying to raise their own kids. It’s hard as hell. But, we are an enlightened group despite the fact that we were parented without regard for our emotions, physical pain, intellectual development. You modeled no effective parenting skills. Nevertheless, your actions taught us the kind of parents we didn’t want to be.
For the parents that hit their children, were vocal critics, or rode their asses and nit-picked them through every one of life’s events, did you really think this was a good or effective parenting strategy? If your answer is, “that’s the way my parents raised me” I’d like to ask you how that worked. If you say that you turned out OK, you are the problem. If you say that you had feelings of fear and resentment towards your parents, but you “got over it,” you willfully perpetuated the practice. You are the problem. If you say that these methods taught respect or discipline, you are the problem.
My favorite ones say, “that’s the way we always did it” or “I didn’t know any different.” Guess what? The state trooper doesn’t care that you didn’t know the speed limit was recently changed from 65 to 55, yet you are still held accountable for speeding. You know what we did when I grew up? We put Tupperware in microwave ovens and continued to use them long after they had started melting and disintegrating into our food. We didn’t know it was bad. But, some people looked at those mustard colored bowls, with bubbles and plastic peeling on the inside, and never had to be told to stop using them. Common sense told them it likely wasn’t good. Children are far more important than a stained and bubbled plastic food container, so quit nuking your kid in the fucking microwave. You know better now. Children are not objects of afterthought. You parented in a way that is now considered harmful; there is a moral and ethical obligation to acknowledge what you did wrong. Even if it was 30 years ago.
Let me use the same logic on these parents that they used on us. All the time. Remember going out with friends and doing something everyone thought was ok, so you did it, too? You saw that most of your friends are engaged in the activity, so you figured what the hell? But let’s say something bad happened. Parents got involved and your defense was, “Mom, Dad, my friends did it and I thought it was ok to do, too.” The reply was the same in every household, “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you follow them?!?!” So, by their very logic, they have no defense for any universally accepted tactic that ended badly or had negative consequences today. Grab a fork…isn’t eating your words fun?
Cause and effect is real. Once we know better, we should do better. And yet, parents from certain generations or ideologies seem rooted in some authoritarian mindset that solidifies their rightness and their child’s wrongness, regardless of how perceptions of these ideals change over time. Parenthood does not make you perpetually correct or flawless. If you believe these things, it makes you an asshole.
Remember the days of kids being seen and not heard? Tears were seen as weakness, anger was seen as defiance. Bad grades, stupidity. Fear seen as a defect. The list goes on. Humans are born with emotions as a means of communication, yet children are denied them, especially with regard to their parents. We were sending you every signal needed to make the right decision, yet you didn’t. I have never understood this logic. Why shouldn’t we help children grow into their emotions and learn to manage them with the people they love and trust most? The “I’ll give you something to cry about” people can go jump off a ledge. Thankfully, we are emerging from a world where dismissing children’s feelings was the norm. There is still a a long way to go.
Many of these same people claim that the family doctor, school counselor, teacher, or religious leader advised them in their parenting journey. It’s no defense whatsoever. Why? Because there are scores of other parents that went against these prevailing idea of corporal punishment, punitive authority, and pecking order…because they knew better. How did they know better? They either lived it as children or their gut instincts kicked in. Yours didn’t. You are the problem.
Incidentally, the same parents claiming victimhood of their children’s estrangement also don’t see that there are two sides to every coin. They want accolades for when their children do things well, succeed, or make a name for themselves, yet they are reticent to acknowledge anything went wrong in the household. They shun any role in their children’s struggles. How can a parent be responsible for all of the good things a child has done and become, but play no role in the bad? It’s not that easy, and adult children today aren’t falling for your crap. We are a psychologically savvy group of adults, and you will be hard pressed to be considered a victim by many people.
Estranged parents often claim they have no idea what happened, what went wrong. Here’s the thing, your child isn’t the parent in this situation, never will be. I can guarantee you that your child sent signals that they were suffering or sad at your hand. That they were confused or lost. Maybe scared or worried all the time. You missed it or willfully ignored it. Neither is good. Again, you are the problem.
The parent dynamic still exists, even long into adulthood, and it is your job to extend the olive branch, not your child’s. Children shouldn’t have to beg their parents to apologize. Your child, regardless of their age, is not obligated to endure your treatment regardless of how inconsequential you deem it. And these adult children didn’t just up and leave; their extraction from your life was years in the making. You missed every last warning sign. They do not have to shoulder the generational trauma you either refuse to acknowledge or fix. If these adult children are smart parents, they will also do whatever they can to protect their own kids from enduring the same torment. They don’t want to be complicit in the problem. Welcome to breaking generational dysfunction and trauma 101. Take a seat.
Many of these parents might claim they never intended to harm their kids, or that circumstances were beyond their control. They had to work a second job and couldn’t be home when the older sibling was abusive. You are still accountable for what happened. You didn’t know that the step-mom was telling your daughter she was dumb and ugly. It’s still all on you. Why? Because, if you were really in tune with your child, you would see something was off, you’d feel it. Deep in your gut. If you had a solid relationship with your child, there would be open lines of communication and they’d tell you outwardly or they’d send discreet signals. Next comes the, “teens are hard” defense. Yes, they are. But it doesn’t mean you get to shirk your parental responsibilities.
The environment, tone, culture, vibe…whatever you want to call it, is all on the parent. And, a child does not need to hail from privilege to have a loving and stable home. Sure, some kids are extremely difficult, sick, suffer mental and/or physical maladies, all of which can make parenting excruciatingly difficult. Nevertheless, the obligations to care for, nurture, and love children resides with the parent(s). And, if you happened to care for an extremely difficult child, you have my sympathy. But you are still accountable. Guess what? That kid never asked to be brought into existence.
For the Christians out there who are told to love, honor, and respect their parents, listen up. Nowhere does it say we are to take their abuse, dismissiveness, or neglect. Loving and honoring your parents and being active in their lives are mutually exclusive concepts. I can love my parents and not want to be near them because it is bad for my wellbeing. That children are somehow beholden to their parents regardless of how dysfunctional or abusive they might be is ridiculous. I love Mick and Pearl; I honestly wish I didn’t. But, they harmed me and forever altered the course of my life. I respect the integrity of their lives and honor their role in bringing me into this world. My obligation stops there.
Ideas of “just doing things” for family, including enduring poor treatment and having feelings dismissed, is outdated and wrong. These parenting ideals are not only old, they are proven to have long-term and negative consequences. Remember, children do not ask to be born; they were not complicit in the act of procreation. A parent’s responsibility is to raise children lovingly, showing boundaries and respect, modeling appropriate behavior, supporting them with every ounce of their being, disciplining them when needed, all while watching them blossom into remarkable people. This is the hardest job on the planet, and it all rests on you, the parent.
When it is my children’s time to fly free, I hope their calls and visits home will stem from a real desire to see me because they have been loved hard and unconditionally. They want my macaroni and cheese, kisses at the door, and to dump their problems on me over coffee. They will know my weaknesses, shortcomings, fears, and anxieties. They will see me as their mom, in all of her humanity, because I grew with them, just in a different way. They will see my strengths, too, because I am a whole person. I hope I will have earned the right to be at their Thanksgiving tables and birthday parties because I left it all on the table for them. They will know that I owned the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between. I told them I loved them fiercely, and will until my dying breath. I went to the mattresses for them. Fought for them, cried over and with them. I told them I was sorry, because I was, and I course corrected. That includes me admitting when I’m wrong before having it pointed out to me. They will see that I have worked hard to give respect and to earn theirs. Their age in reference to mine does not make me automatically correct in all tings.
The victim mentality has permeated a lot of these groups and the mindset of their members. I am really hard pressed to see any parent as the victim unless the child was physically abusive, a drug addict, felon, or some other extreme situation existed (see my intro paragraph). If any of these situations is the case, parents should be in support groups themselves for dealing with their own trauma, not in groups where they wax poetic about how blind sighted they were.
These estrangement groups are also comprised predominately of women who take issue with their daughters or sons-in law. Here’s the thing, an in-tact family typically begets an in-tact family. Children that are raised lovingly, hard, and with principles that show respect for all members of the house (regardless of age) aren’t likely to hightail it out of mom’s life because of their spouse. It could happen, and I’m not denying that. But it is not likely. Why? Because they will have learned good communication skills and how to work through disagreements, facilitate family discussions that are hard and not avoid them, and not let issues fester and compound. Their family of origin became their normal and comfortable, and they are thus likely to seek out spouses that offer those same sentiments and feelings.
You don’t see that you did anything wrong with your children because you didn’t look hard enough. Telling any child, regardless of age, that they are being ridiculous is, well, ridiculous. It shows emotional stunting. Plain and simple. Many of you will come at me and say things like, “just wait and see” or “parenting standards always change.” You are likely right. The difference between you and me is that I seek to understand my children, help them find themselves, and we grow together. My tactics all come from a place of love. You sought to quiet them, force them into your way of thinking, to remove their individuality, and you physically hurt them. That is forced subservience. You are the problem.
Presence in your children’s lives is not a right; it is a privilege. Repeat that to yourself.
So, for the estranged parents wondering what the hell happened, reflect long and hard. If you are a real parent, the kind that is tapped into their child’s needs, you know where you made poor decisions, wronged them, hurt them. You know what you did and when. Own it. No matter how insignificant you deem it to be. If you legitimately don’t know, ask your child. Sit quietly, listen with an open heart and mind. Even if you didn’t intend on harming them or your infractions seem small, show real remorse. You apologize for far smaller indiscretions to random people at Target.
I can assure you, regardless of your child’s chronological age, they will be taken back in time, talking to mommy or daddy with the heart and mind of a little one when they lay their vulnerabilities out on the table. I encourage you to shut your mouth and listen.
Because if you aren’t willing to have the hard talks and listen, you won’t be talking to them at all.
